Shutt World .co.uk » Funny Mail

The Dead Goldfish

Stephen — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 17:58:08 +0000

THE DEAD GOLDFISHâ€¦

A heart warming story! Not all E-mail has

to be crude.

Now and then it is good to have one that is just cute and sweet.

STORY OF A LITTLE GIRL AND HER DEAD GOLDFISH

What the adverts SHOULD say

Stephen — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 17:52:12 +0000

To anyone who forwarded junk email

Stephen — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 00:08:56 +0000

To anyone who forwarded junk email:

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year…

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the Â£5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Have a wonderful day!

The Donkey

Stephen — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 14:39:05 +0000

A story

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW …………

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices…smile and close this
page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

EVER WONDER…

Stephen — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 09:15:13 +0000

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start” to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavour?

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?

AND… In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap”.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost”.
(But, it’s just a suggestion).

On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down”.
(Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”.
(And you thought????…)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”.
(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And…I’m taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”.
(As opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts”.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”.
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

When its ok to say the F word!

Stephen — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 18:43:01 +0000